Tomorrow marks 3 weeks since my life has changed in ways I never expected. I have been looking forward to starting a family for months and was so excited to have a baby at home. I just never realized how difficult the beginning weeks were since everyone with a newborn makes it look so easy and so happy. I feel anything but happy most times.
I thought I cried a lot before baby...I have never cried so much than I have the past 3 weeks. I feel so overwhelmed. Growing up, I always heard, "When it is your child, you will know what they need." I feel like a failure there because most times I don't know what he needs or how to make him stop crying. Instead, every time he cries, I cry.
I have been trying to take advantage of the help I can get from my mom because it helps keep me sane. I feel though that I will never be able to have a day at home with my son without her help. I thought by the time I have been home for a week that I would have this new life together and not need constant help. Everyone else seems to have it together after a week.
So, why am I struggling??
I am also always told that they grow up so fast and to enjoy these moments. I just sit here and ask what there is to enjoy. The screaming? The throwing up? The gassy tummies? The lack of sleep? The messy house? Constant feedings? All I feel is anxiety and failure. I find myself just wanting to tell my 3 week old son to just shut up and sleep when he starts screaming for the 1 millionth time that day. I find myself wanting to just give him away for days (or already going back to work) just so I can catch a breath and get my head above water.
Feeling like a failure is an understatement. When I am home alone I feel like he is always screaming. Jason comes home and can take care of our son better than me. I'm the mom, shouldn't I have these things down better than my husband?
Breastmilk. Enough said. While pregnant, I always said that I wanted to try breastfeeding and if it didn't work out I would be OK with that. I have a totally different feeling since beginning. I didn't mind breastfeeding but it started stressing me out. My son would seem like he was done but minutes later would be hungry again. I believe we need a gauge on our breasts that shows us how many ounces our little ones have eaten. I decided that I couldn't breastfeed anymore but I could totally pump. Right... when do I have time to pump when I have a constantly screaming, gassy child? This is causing me to dry up and discourage me even more. I spend 20 minutes pumping and get enough that my son just might get full. This again causes me to cry just watching the last 20 minutes of work disappear quickly before my eyes and not even be enough for my growing child. Even though I knew from the beginning that breastfeeding might not work, why am I beating myself up and don't want to realize that it's not going to work for me?
I know I need (and desire) to be in the Word, but when? When Hunter sleeps, he wants to be held. If I do get him down for a nap, I know I need to get some rest or get something done around the house. Also, where do I even start with spending time in God's Word? I have never been strong in my devotional life so when I have the desire to be in it, I never know where to begin.
When will I transition and be ok with my new life? I am hoping it is sooner than later.
